Our goal is to showcase America and Liberty! LET FREEDOM RING! -  America succeeds only when Americans hear the truth!  -  An incredible lineup of exciting programming this weekend on America Out Loud Talk Radio!

October 23, 2021

October 23, 2021

Your Source for Free Speech,
Talk Radio, Podcasts, and News.

How People Pleasing Hurts Other People

by | Apr 10, 2021 |

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Sounds counter-intuitive, doesn’t it?

People-pleasing should… please people. Right?

We all know at least one People Pleaser, that person that smiles 24/7 no matter their actual feelings inside, says yes more than no to avoid “disappointing people,” overextends themselves by juggling their lives and taking on the needs of everyone around them, equally avoiding situations that could mean others might not accept them. 

They play life safe because their confidence is contingent on other people’s validation. They are the nicest people you will meet but suffer from low self-esteem and lack of self-worth.

Common scripts of a People Pleaser:

“I feel bad; I don’t want to say no.”
“Sure, I can do that.”
“I’m easy.”
“No problem.”
“I feel guilty.”
“No worries.”
“I’m ok, don’t worry about me.”

If they were a neon sign, it would flash, “Like me. Like me. Please like me.” Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. They say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.”

When it comes to People Pleasing, the individual will abandon themselves in the process of taking on everyone else’s needs. Even needs that aren’t real. Needs that the people pleaser assumes but never validates with the actual people in front of them. They end up abandoning the people they are trying to please by assuming and projecting on them rather than communicating, listening, and collaborating.

People pleasers weave a web of sweet, sugar-coated white lies to avoid conflict. This can lead to trust issues with primary relationships over time. Not to mention the erosion of the people pleaser’s sense of personal worth and value by constantly putting others first, even those with minimal significance in their world, and would never return the favor.

People Pleasers “try” not to hurt other people by covering up their discomfort with any conflict whatsoever. They seem to think they are responsible for how other people feel and will contort themselves to try and make things better, and if that doesn’t work, they will avoid and pretend.

What People Pleasers miss out on is the wonderful concept of trusting themselves and others. 

If they let themselves, they could speak their truth and enjoy even closer, healthier relationships where both people get to be themselves and communicate their needs and differences accordingly. This is what a relationship should be like. Two separate people being themselves together.   

People pleasers are so busy trying hard to make it easy for people to like them; they never give people credit for liking them no matter what they do or do not do. AKA actually accepting them for who they are. Sadly, they do not think that is an option. They do not really let people in because, deep down, they are afraid when their people-pleasing dance is over, people will not like them. It is a sad state of affairs because people pleasers by nature are wonderful, giving, loving people until their efforts do more damage than good.

Storytime

I am writing about this today because I got hurt by a people-pleaser. There is a friend I have. We were spending time together walking once or twice every few weeks. For some reason, our walking times dwindled, and it became harder to plan a time that worked. I received various responses of unavailability. Eventually, when I brought up walking, she would say she was only free on weekends now, her schedule was too erratic from work during the week, and she just gets it in between other tasks. I completely understood; I do the same thing as an entrepreneur.

Today, we went on a weekend walk. It was a welcome sunny day after weeks of snow, and more snow and grey, dreary, blah weather- can you tell I am not a winter person?

I was excited to spend time with my friend and chat and have social time walking in the sun.

She invited another mutual friend I didn’t know as well, and I was amenable to her joining, even though I had some more personal things I was looking forward to gal-pal chatting about. I figured the more, the merrier. Let’s do this.

While we were walking, the other friend mentioned in conversation how she and my friend’s “daily evening walks” keep her sane. 

I kept listening, nodding politely with my own people-pleaser tendencies in full effect while realizing simultaneously the multiple occasions I was told various other reasons my friend was unavailable. I got that warm, icky feeling in my stomach that was a mixture of confusion and embarrassment. I was kept in the dark about something so silly.

I was lied to. 

It did not feel good. Not one bit.

There was truly no reason to hide the information. I wouldn’t have received being told, “I walk with Melissa on evenings,” as a shutdown, or in any way a form of rejection. 

And yet, I was lied to instead of being told the healthy, honest, understandable, non-inflammatory truth. We all have our people, and we all share various degrees of priority based on the depth of certain key relationships. Totally healthy and completely understandable.

That being said, I knew my friend had issues with people-pleasing, and for some reason, she chose not to be honest and straight with me about her real plans and availability. She decided I was incapable of receiving the truth and wove a fructose-laden fib instead.

The problem here is in her attempt to “not hurt my feelings” – she lied – and then I felt embarrassed, confused, and hurt when I would never have had negative feelings at all if she was just honest and straight with me about her plans in the first place.

I didn’t feel trusted, and I felt hurt.

People-pleasing hurts people.

It also hurts the people, pleasers, slowly over time, chinking away at their integrity and self-worth. 

It hurts other people when they are not trusted to be mature enough to hear someone’s truth and accept that truth while at the same time communicating their own.

Here are my final thoughts about People Pleasers and why it just doesn’t work to assume someone else’s needs and emotional ability without actually communicating with honesty.

People Pleasing doesn’t Create Real Peace.

Peacekeeping is only peaceful if there is transparency, honesty, and truth.

Here’s what I would like my friend to know:

1.  Value yourself

People pleasers swallow their own opinions and needs in an attempt to “make sure everything is ok.” Instead of hiding behind smiles all the time, let people in! Trust them to love you. And if they don’t accept you, that is great information to know to figure out who to give your time and attention.

You matter, let people see you, and trust that you are enough. Prioritize the people who are your people and don’t think so much about what other people think. It’s a waste of your one precious life.

2. White Lies will turn Red if used too often

Over time, all the attempts to juggle others’ needs and not be straight about the truth will tarnish your relationships. The people-pleaser will eventually not trust others because you yourself aren’t always clear and straightforward. This will feed feelings of insecurity and lack of self-trust.

3. Give the people in your life more credit

Don’t tell people what they want to hear. It is a bit of an insult, actually. Unless you are in politics, be honest with the people in your life. Most people would not want to be lied to and want to know the truth instead. Other people have the capacity to manage their own emotions. You are not responsible for another person’s emotions.

Note: Use discernment, as some people do take things personally and aren’t very emotionally mature. 

4. Re-wire your mind

Repeat after me, 

“I am loved and accepted, no matter what I do or do not do.”

“I am not the epicenter of people’s feelings; I am not solely responsible for other people’s feelings.”

“I am a likable person, even if there are disagreements.”

“People are allowed to be angry, and that doesn’t mean I am not loveable.”

“No doesn’t mean ‘never’ or ‘I don’t like you. Conflict doesn’t mean the end of the world.” 

Allow yourself to grow up your mind and free yourself of the inner prison of always needing to be liked and running your life based on other people’s supposed needs. 

5. Don’t abandon yourself in order to be liked

You have one life to be you. Let people like you for who you are, and trust that you will receive as much as you give if you let go, trust, have the courage to speak and let people see the real you. 

Your presence is enough. Be who you really are with people, and they will feel your genuine presence. 

Ironically, that combination is incredibly, authentically, likable.

Jenna Smith

Jenna Smith is a “Human Being Expert.” She has trained in Spiritual Psychotherapy at the Transformational Arts College and Integrated Psychotherapy at Lifespace. She is a certified Ontological Coach, Reiki Master, as well as a health and fitness trainer. She has also studied Oneness, Shamanism, and Intuitive healing work with mentors from Peru, India, Africa, Ireland, and North America.

An in-demand international speaker, professional singer, retreat leader, workshop facilitator, author, and coach, Jenna is your one-stop-shop for results that last a lifetime.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
0 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments

Disclaimer: The information contained in this website is for educational, general information, and entertainment purposes only and is never intended to constitute medical or legal advice or to replace the personalized care of a primary care practitioner or legal expert.

While we endeavor to keep this information up to date and correct, the information provided by America Out Loud, its website(s), and any properties (including its radio shows and podcasts) makes no representations, or warranties of any kind, expressed, or implied, about the completeness, accuracy, reliability, suitability, or availability with respect to its website(s) or the information, products, services or related graphics and images contained on the website(s) for any purpose.

The opinions expressed on the website(s), and the opinions expressed on the radio shows and podcasts, are the opinions of the show hosts and do not necessarily represent the opinions, beliefs, or policies of anyone or any entity we may endorse. Any reliance you place on such information is therefore strictly at your own risk.

At no time, nor in any event, will we be liable for any loss, or damage, including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss of data or profits arising out of, in an association of, or connection with the use of this website.

Through this website, users can link to other websites that may be listed. Those websites are not under the control of America Out Loud or its brands. We have no control over the nature, content, or availability of those sites. America Out Loud has no control over what the sites do with the information they collect. The inclusion of any links does not necessarily imply a recommendation, nor does it endorse the views expressed with or by them.

Every effort is made to keep the website up and running smoothly. However, America Out Loud takes no responsibility for, nor are we, and will not be liable for being temporarily unavailable due to technical difficulties beyond our control. America Out Loud does not sell, trade, nor market email addresses or other personal data.

Use the code ‘OUTLOUD’ and receive your 20% discount on your first order.

Stop Calling it “Vaccine Hesitancy!”

Stop Calling it “Vaccine Hesitancy!”

The risk-versus-benefit scale seems to be tipping heavily toward risk. The coming cold/flu season could potentially spell disaster for the vaccinated population. Time will soon tell. We’ll not know for a few years if prions (sub-viral particles) will be generated by the mRNA or DNA injection, but it’s a very real possibility…

Did the FDA & CDC Withhold Evidence-based Treatments from Americans?

Did the FDA & CDC Withhold Evidence-based Treatments from Americans?

My fellow Americans, it’s time to do a full, transparent, and verifiable audit of all death certificates so we can officially correct the death count nationwide. It’s time to defund the CDC and FDA until regime change can be instituted in the HHS, FDA, CDC, NVSS so that the new people put in place understand the privilege of serving We The People and honor both their oaths of office and…

The Dumbing Down of America by the Truly Dumb

The Dumbing Down of America by the Truly Dumb

In addition to the Democrat Party, we know who’s at the forefront of pushing CRT to our students. Organizations like Black Lives Matter and the Radical Progressive Teacher’s Unions like the American Federation of Teachers and the National Education Association. These groups have no moral, legal or constitutional right to thrust CRT on…

The ‘Brain Trust’ Behind Joe Biden

The ‘Brain Trust’ Behind Joe Biden

Former acting Director of National Intelligence Richard Grenell has described Susan Rice as the real Oval Office leader and “shadow president.” Ron Klain also played a key role in coordinating the Obama administration’s response to the 2014-2015 Ebola outbreak. Steve Ricchetti has been a long-time lobbyist for major drugmakers, the American Hospital Association…

The End of Human Rights and the Beginning of Tyranny

The End of Human Rights and the Beginning of Tyranny

America used to be a nation of ideals and values, with laws that represented those ideals and values. While there was disagreement over what the laws should be, there was a wide degree of agreement with regard to our ideals and values. We no longer have any shared values or ideals. Much of the left views our national founding and our traditional ideals, not just as passe, but as vile and evil…

Does Freedom of Speech Include the Freedom to Swear?

Does Freedom of Speech Include the Freedom to Swear?

Public schools don’t have an interest in protecting student speech; they have a duty. Schools are institutions of instruction, not “nurseries of democracy.” Perhaps, if the schools these justices went to had spent more time instructing them and less time considering what was in the school’s interest, these men and women would realize not only that America is not a democracy, but that our Founding Fathers feared that it would become one…

Political Correctness and Science Don’t Mix

Political Correctness and Science Don’t Mix

We now see Political Correctness in the arbitrary flip-flopping of the CDC’s positions: masks aren’t effective, no – wear masks; get vaccinated, wait- vaccinations aren’t effective; those vaccinated don’t have to wear a mask, no -wait -those vaccinated do have to wear masks. These are political edicts, not scientific edicts. The CDC’s own data contradicts their mandates…

China’s Comprehensive Unrestricted Bioweapons Program Exposed

China’s Comprehensive Unrestricted Bioweapons Program Exposed

In sharing some of her findings with Dr. Poon, Dr. Yan was warned not to ‘cross the red line,’ a common reference in Chinese culture to getting into the subject matter with which one should not concern oneself. He ultimately warned her that she would be ‘disappeared,’ a reference to being imprisoned or killed, were she to continue asserting her findings of the cover-up…

Header

Your Source for Free Speech, Talk Radio, Podcasts, and News.

Here we take on the challenges of our generation so that we can preserve future generations.

Help Support Our Mission

iHeartRadio

The APPS are free; the mission is priceless!

Free APP

Podcast Networks

Apple Podcasts
Google Podcasts
Spotify
Pandora
Tunein
iHeart
Stitcher

Subscribe and Listen on Your Favorite APP

Our Columnists and Show Hosts

COVID Solution Summit

Apple Podcasts

Evacuating Americans & fully-vetted Afghan's at Risk - Help Us!

Apple Podcasts

Empowering and mentoring conservative trailblazers from Generation Z to win!

Apple Podcasts

Turning Point Action is Recruiting Precinct Chairs - Become a Grassroots Warrior Today!

Apple Podcasts

URGENT - KEEP NINE
Please join us to protect the Supreme Court:
Sign the Petition!

Apple Podcasts

The LATINO USA EXIT from the Democrat Party, click for details...

Apple Podcasts

Fighting corporate censorship and ensuring voter integrity...

Apple Podcasts

Support wounded and fallen police officers. The Wounded Blue.

Wounded Blue
Share via
Copy link
Powered by Social Snap